Good Afternoon ladies!! What a beautiful day. Its a bit chilly but bright out. i can do the sun if its chilly out. I do not care for the heat. anyway. On to the topic of the day.......... I have a bit of a heavy heart and i need some comments from you P.W. and those who have been in ministry in other capacitys before. those of you who are not do not feel like you can't comment or give advice, i will take it from anyone who has some.
As you know we left the ministry about 6 months ago. I have no doubt that God has called my husband to exactly where he is for such a time as this. I believe that with all my heart and i have great testimony to back it all up. At my small group the other night i had this overwhellming sense of mournfullenss. ( Is that a word?) I have been pondering it for days now and i think i am mourning not being in the church ministry anymore. and i feel like iam in a bit of a identity crisis. i am checking my motives as to why i miss it, and what the root is. It is terrible awkward just being in church. I do not know what to do . I know that sounds stupid, yes, you go worship, pray, listen, serve and i am trying and doing those things, and it is good. But i guess i didn't think it would be this hard. I did not think it would be as big of deal as it is. I miss beign a pastors wife, i miss serving in some copacity with my husband. I know he is doing ministry now and it is good, but i cant be part of it. i do not know or ever see these people. Yes i am a mom and a wife, but for the past 9 years i have been the wife of a pastor, and i took great pride and considered it a calling on my life. Now it is no more. i am struggling to deal with that. lots of emotions, confusion, tears. i don't know how to transition. The lord could call him back into church ministry, we are not opposed to that. We do not know how long scott will be at LOWES. We are not sure how long we will be here. and it doesn't really matter i guess. We are here and i must transition and i want to, it is hard and i did not exspect this. i did not exspect to be in such angst over the change. It was a good thing that we left where we were. It was hard and ugly and spiritually unsafe for us, we endured much for 4and half years. God carried us through and we were pruned and cut back.
He gave us what we needed to make it through and i give him all the glory. He heated us like gold and brought alot of imperfections to the top to help us be better servants. As hellish as it was i would not change it for anything. Some days i feel like i am crazy, like this shouln't be that big of deal. GET OVER IT AND GET ON. Yet i feel like this identity thing is just now surfacing. Maybe my identity was in the wrong thing, and if thats the case then i have a whole lot more repairing to do. I must re-wire myself, my thinking. I am sorry, this is alot to put out there to all of you, most of you i hardly know. I guess i am trusting on our connection through the LORD and sisterhood in him. If this is to heavy for you, forgive me, and i guess i just had a good vent. I must bring this to an end, i have to go pick-up kids. THANKYOU FOR LISTENING, i look forward to seeing if any of you respond and what your thoughts are. TINA
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Hi... ok, for all you who love the storms I must tell you, I am in Seattle and that last "cozy moment" for you was no power, not enough candles, kinda wish we had heat all sleep on the futon in the dark by the fire wish we could microwave some hot water on the rag just want a shower NOT FUN night for me, I was convicted of my bad attitude but...(We got power back when we left for school the next day) reading your blog about cozy fall storms made me laugh!! With all our comforts, yes!!
Anyway, Tina about your identity crisis.. it is very real and you can expect the process to be introspective, scary, frusterating... you might question some ingrained values that you've maybe never questioned before... but don't worry! You'll come out of it refined and better understanding of yourself and how God has wired you, you will have more peace. Just keep asking and letting Him pierce, peel and heal.
Dear me that rhymed!! I was just at a conference and they talked about stages of forming identity... so I'm trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about, eh!! Funny I come back and that's your topic. Anyway, we know the end goal is identity in Christ, not ourselves, but it is a process we go thru with all our identities (mom, wife, Christian, friend) and a healthy one. You've broken away from a long standing culture group and you are re-defining. Hang in there sista! Honesty and outlets are key, and blogging!! Hugs -Cheryl
This was very interesting to read, especially coming from the fact that I, just 3 hours ago, returned from a pastors' wives' retreat for the pw's at my church. The interesting thing that stuck out to me, is that most of us on the retreat agreed that we hadn't "signed-up" for this position and we struggle to find our true indentity in the light of being a "pastor's wife."
Not knowing your full situation or why you are in the place you are in right now, I hesitate in trying to offer my thoughts, but I will try to express a couple things that came to my mind.
The few times I have had the opportunity to go to churches other than my own, I feel weird. I have no role, I have no importance, I am not aware of the ins and outs, I don't know where I should sit, I wonder if people know that I'm a visitor or if they think I've been there forever, no one asks me any imortant questions, no one asks me to pray for them, sometimes no one even knows I'm there. It's weird. I don't like it. I walk away thinking, why is that hard? I thought it would be nice to go and just "sit" and be a regular person.
Then I come to the realization that God didn't make me to be a "regular" person. He gifted me in certain ways that make me thrive in the pastor's wife role.
I get the sense that that is much the case for you, and I can understand, sympathize with and validate your feelings.
But the second thing that comes to mind is the words: "Comfort Zone." Not a fun topic. I feel like God may be calling you out of your comfort zone for a season to teach you some incredible lessons that you would not have been able to learn while in your comfort zone of the pastor's wife role. Perhaps He wants to teach you to be still in Him, or that ministry can and will happen whether you are privy to the inside information or not, as hard as that can be. Or maybe it's simply that He's allowing you to have a sabbatical from first hand ministry in order to rest and prepare you for something in the future. Who knows with God? But what we do know is that He has our best interest in mind! Isn't that awesome?!
The last thought that I had was that you are now armed with an arsenal of tools to be able to help your new church in an amazing way! Do you remember how grateful you were for that one-in-a-million volunteer who would graciously lend their services with skill and a smile? Maybe you're that person that this new church has been waiting for!
Again, I don't really know any of the details and I may be just rambling on and on about things that don't apply. If so, I'm sorry! But I think that I do know that you have purposed to live your life for Christ and He will lead you to exactly where He wants you to be! Your identity is His child and servant and that's all that really matters in the end!
Whew~long comment! Sorry!
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